THERES MANY THINGS IN LIFE THAT TRIES TO STEAL OUR SMILE, WE MAY NOT UNDERSTAND BUT WE LIVE #INSPIAR 🌿
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I am not writing this for attention nor for pitty, i am simply trying to raise awareness and get my msg across to anyone whos going thru what and i have.
Its taken me awhile & alot of strength to write this so please bare w me if it seems a lil mixed up.
As some u know the love of my life recently passed away. He was the most kindest,caring,humblest man i have ever come to know. He was also so selfless. No matter what issues he had going on w himself he would always put everyone elses needs before his own, including myself. He had a smile that would light up any room he walked into.
But behind that beautiful infectious smile was someone who was so confused, who felt like an outsider from the world, someone who had alot of hurt in his eyes.
He never made it known that he was suffering from mental illness.
He'd spend almost everyday fighting his own demons in his head yet looking at him you would never have thought he was going through something that in itself was so tough.
He would often ask me 'babe, am i a good person?' Id always reply 'ofcourse your a good person. Why would u question yourself?' I never got the answer to that and looking back now i see it was his demons telling him otherwise.
Everyday was a struggle for him. Simple things like getting out of bed, or getting ready and dressed for the day was hard. Not everyday was a 'bad day'. He had his good days too. When it was good, it was reaaaaallly good. We'd laugh, we'd go out, we'd sing to eachother but when it was bad.. it was really bad and he'd often think the world was against him and thought he was crazy even though he truely wasnt. Despite the hurtful things he would sometimes say or do id tell him i loved him because all in all, i did.
Id quite often have ppl say things like 'you need to leave him' or 'why do u stay?' They judged from the outside. They never knew the why behind his episodes. I loved this man and i was gonna stand beside him no matter what. I thought this is just another obstacle for us to get thru even tho it was a daily struggle. I didnt care!
But unfortunately i too like alot of ppl in this world never knew the seriousness of mental illness and just how much it can take a toll on someone until the day i watched the love of my life lay lifeless in that hospital bed.
I stood by watching as his heart rate dropped lower and lower until it came to a stop. At that very moment all the anger i was feeling toward him for doing this to himself went out the window. All the things he had said wed do once he gets out disappeared. The promise that he wouldnt leave the kids and i before going on life support was broken. My whole life stopped and my heart sank. 'No!!!!' Is all i could say as i begged for my baby back. He was gone. No goodbye, no last kiss, no i love you. Why??? Was all i could ask god. Why me, why us, why you?
There were alot of ppl around him and i. Family, friends, doctors .. but all i could see was him. My baby. My bestfriend. All of a sudden regret filled my heart. Why didnt i do more? Why didnt i set my stubborness aside and tell him i loved him? Why didnt i reach out for help when i knew i couldnt do it alone? But i know now even if i did all those things it wouldnt change the fact that he was gone and i wouldnt wish that sort of pain on my worst enemy.
I wish i told him how important he was. How loved he was. How much better this world was with him in it. Now all i have is memories and a photo of him on my shelf that i talk to every day.
You see, mental illness is very real! And there are ppl out there like veni who suffer from it and go through what he did every single day.
Ppl tend to play it down and the actual seriousness of it all and noone seems to really talk about it. Nobody knows the struggle of doing the most simplest things every single day. Nobody knows the exhaustion of having to battle w ur own demons. Unless of course youve lived it!
Even though i took so many breaks writing this and tears flowed i will not stay quiet about something so real. We need to stand up and speak out #endthestigma
If you or anyone you know are one of the many soldiers battling w mental illness i want you to know its ok to talk. You dont have to suffer in silence. YOU are important. YOU are valuable. YOU are loved. & i guarantee you no matter how hard it seems now there is a light at the end of the tunnel and you WILL get thru this.
Im not looking for likes or shares .. im just hoping that someone out there who has lost all hope reads this and realises how truely amazing they are cause i wish I did. ❤
